Confessions of a Confused Mind

Slow Poisoning

2009-11-06T09:29:00.000-08:00

I thought everything would be alright one day. It didn’t. I thought ‘out of sight, out of mind’ would actually work. It failed. I thought moving on will be much easier if we just cut out all strings between us.

Yet, I am thinking about someone I shouldn’t think about. I’m talking about someone I want to forget. I’m getting involved with a ‘stranger’.

Homecoming

2008-02-08T03:19:00.000-08:00

I thought it was all over. I'm out of it. and now we are just friends. yes, i accept that whenever I go through our chats at that time, I felt something in my throat and somethingh just goes into my eye. so i have to rub my eyes off and ...

I thought that's it. Nothing more.
But, I was wrong. One evening while talking to a common friend, I realized that I won't get out of it so easily. I admit that now there are only remnants of that love which once overflowed my heart. But even that is so strong that i couldn't help it.

and I told her again. it was different this time. no greetings card, no heart shaped chocolate. I just told her what i feel for her.what i still feel for her.
"I know that u feel nothing for me. and i know u are just out from a serious relation. I know it's very mean to say this at this moment. but U know i'm not a hypocrite. and I can't help it or lie about it.
yes, i don't know what will happen in future. but right now I do feel strongly about u. it's ok. u needn't decide anything right now. let's build our careers. and see what happens after 3 or 4 years. and u know what's most interesting??
I know 99% chanc eis that nothing will happen. we have tried it once. but yet I believe that i have 1% chance and this will become cent per cent one day"

and the next day i board a train for delhi. after delhi, now i'm in hyderabad. will be back in kolkata on 11th feb.

nothing is going on between us. but whenever i'm listening to a song from "jab we met" I'm thinking of her.

let's see.

dreams may live or die. dreaming will continue.
but whatever happens, I welcome it. and thanks, for giving thsi blog a new life.

a wish

2007-04-28T09:32:00.000-07:00

the MSc exam is after 22 days( shit!!! I need to study) and after ! more month , It'll be over. I don't know what I'll do then. I have many plans. I may start doing a job, i may do MBA. or may sit for IFS.
but apart from all these, there's a wish deep in my heart. I want to write. I want to write at least a book. a book about what I have seen in my college life. sometimes I feel the writing bug is just biting me, but yet, I couldn't write it now. because right now I don't know the end. I don't know what will happen to me and my friends. once I know that. I'll start writing it. May be for myself only.

I think it was the reason I kept writing about my feelings even when it used to bleed doing that. now, as I have started assembling my notes, i find a piece of my writing now and then. and there are many pieces which I wrote in the brief period of my latest affair. whenever I find one of these, the urge to write increases.

Hope one day I'll be able to do this. It'll be about the college life. but of course, SHE'll be in it.

and I'm having a feeling that this post is worthless. what do you say???

Pause or The End?

2007-03-07T06:59:00.001-08:00

for a long time I haven't published anything. moreover, I don't even feel like blog hopping these days. there are other reasons also. so thought about telling this to my friends who encouraged me to scribble my thoughts.

I don't know whether this is a pause or the end of blogging for me. only time will say.

thank you all for being with me in this beautiful journey.

thank you. I'll miss you... I think so.

paradox!!!!

2006-12-26T02:52:00.000-08:00

i was tired of seeing her everyday, talking to her everyday, going together to metro station everyday from college, behaving as a friends only!!i kept on telling myself that it'll just take some time and I'll be fit and strong to look for chicks again!!

I thought that if i take a break for some days, that'll help me. and that was one of the reason i wanted to come to delhi . yes I'm in delhi. i'm really having a gala time. i'm with people I like. but... why the hell i keep on thinking about her?? in fact , some times I miss her..

well!!human mind is a strange thing!!!who am I to discover it's mystery?

i jut hope that it'll just take some time and I'll be fit and strong to look for chicks again!!
yes!!! just a matter of time...
i'm fine and cool
in a great mood
in a place i wanted to be for so long
with people i care for
i've everything that makes me happy
in fact i'm happy, really happy
just with a teardrop in my eye!!

When There Was Me and You

2006-12-11T10:28:00.001-08:00

( who could express human emotions better than Disney??
so here I'm expressing myself by copying and pasting the lyric of the song called "When There Was Me and You" from the Disney movie "High School Musical". Though not 100% but this song express my condition quite well...

thank You Disney, be there.)

It's funny when you find yourself
Looking from the outside
I'm standing here but all I want
Is to be over there
Why did I let myself believe
Miracles could happen
Cause now I have to pretend
That I don't really care

I thought you were my fairytale
A dream when I'm not sleeping
A wish upon a star
Thats coming true
But everybody else could tell
That I confused my feelings with the truth
When there was me and you

I swore I knew the melody
That I heard you singing
And when you smiled
You made me feel
Like I could sing along
But then you went and changed the words
Now my heart is empty
I'm only left with used-to-be's
Once upon a song

Now I know your not a fairytale
And dreams were meant for sleeping
And wishes on a star
Just don't come true
Cause now even I tell
That I confused my feelings with the truth
Cause I liked the view
When there was me and you

I can't believe that
I could be so blind
It's like you were floating
While I was falling
And I didn't mind

Cause I liked the view
Thought you felt it too
When there was me and you

Back to the Flow

2006-12-10T03:02:00.000-08:00

the remnants are still there.but I've changed. earlier I used to feel something is missing if I do not talk to her for one day. But, now I don't call her..neither do I expect her to call me up. we are back to the relation called friendship.

but love never ceases...it always comes back..even if the medium is different( thanks deepti, for telling me this:P)

I'm in love..with life.
I enjoy watching Disney channel. I enjoy listening to music. I enjoy small things of life. I enjoy the glow of the moon.
and once again I enjoy spending time with my 1st love:books.
I love to read again( though not the books of my curriculum)

thanks...I'm back again..with a new love called life. and the journey will continue.

The End???

2006-11-27T05:23:00.000-08:00

The love is dying...the emotions has ceased to exist.
so there's no more desires...
until someone again succeeds to bring the lover out from this debris called dwaipayan.

goodbye friends. now this blog will be updated only when this heart will feel love...again!!!

A New Begining

2006-11-21T22:26:00.000-08:00

I've decided to change the name of this blog. I no more confess here, because the sin has turned into love. and so the confessions has became a lovers desires.

Babe, if u be there for me, all my sins will slowly change into virtue. and me the the ultimate sinner will become a human in your love.

I know I say a lot of things but failed to keep most. I know I hurt you a lot but believe me, I never want to do so. I know I long for your touch, that gives me a new reason to fight this battle of life.

and today, I promise again to love you unconditionally,without expecting you to love me, without thinking about the future, till the end. I love you, I do love you.

I know I may fail to keep this promise, as usual. But I want to make this come true. it's a lover's desire.

that's all senorita!!

Diwali

2006-10-23T11:14:00.000-07:00

It was a mundane night full of irritating noises.. I was slowly getting into depression because it was almost 2 days since I spoke to her. I was giving her missed calls and only missed calls were coming in reply. whenever the phone was ringing, my heart was beating thinking this one is for me..this one is from her. But alas!! she didn't call up.. My depressed soul was thinking about going to bed and the phone rang once. I don't even bothered to pick it up. Mom picked up and after listening to it, passed me the phone.

40 minutes later I came back from my room along with the phone. the phone call has ended. And I noticed that this mundane night is actually Diwali. the sky which earlier looked jet black was now lighted with fireworks. and I realized the 'irritating sound' was actually the fire crackers. The whole world was celebrating my happiness..the whole world was celebrating The Call.

HAPPY DIWALI

Tagged!!!!

2006-10-03T09:07:00.000-07:00

Adi tagged me to do this. well, it's a cleaver move to made me post something in this lazy blog. there are a few rules of the tag

1. name the person who has tagged me
2. write 8 things about me
3. tag six people.

ok , #1 is already one. so I'm doing the main thing.

it's actually a difficult job to mention 8 things about me, when I'm full of so many bad qualities. anyway. there's no harm in trying. so here it goes:

#1.I've sinusitis and as a result most of the times I've a running nose. and yes it's running now.

#2.I love to write letters, not only as email, but on paper with pen. though most of the letters never reach the one for whom they are written..I still write. and I prefer to write after midnight.

#3.I've an incorrigible childish mind. if I like someone, I irritate them so much by bugging them, that they get pissed at me and stop all contacts.It hurts, but I never learn from my mistakes and thus I keep on loosing all my friends and loved ones.

#4.I love to skip bathing some days...well, it conserves water.

#5.I've a really crappy sense of humour, but I really believe that my sense of humour rocks.

#6. I think I can join advertising and that will really suit me... will it?? only time
can say.

#7. My english sucks. well, though I can say that being taught ABCD at 6th standard is a reason for this, but the main reason is that I never tried enough to learn it properly.

#8. I love writing ... and though so few people visit my blogs and even fewer comment on the posts, they all are really important to me as every single comments boost my confidence a little bit.

well, as very few people visits my blog( I'm sure the no is less than6), so no use of tagging anyone.

Incomplete...

2006-08-25T20:20:00.000-07:00

like an unfinished dream, an incomplete story

a letter half written, a forgotten melody;
certain things are better incomplete
like our...

The Worst Attempt to Compose Something

2006-07-21T19:58:00.000-07:00

lying in the warmth of bed
gazing at the blue sky faded by patches of cloud
the window net moved by the welcoming breeze
whispering the secret of making up my day.

listening to the songs
I heard as a child
the same place, the same song but, feelings have changed...
wander aimlessly through the memory lanes
remembering those days...
when dopes were not required to fight depression
when the biggest tension was about finishing the eassy
when heart used to mourn over not being able to fly the kite at the afternoon...

But now
I've grown up
with stubbles on my check
hairs on my chest
cash in my wallet
shattered dreams in my heart

Now I've learnt
you shouldn't say everything u feel like saying
nor do you do everything you want to

I've grown up
Now I can cry without having tears.

The Walk Never Taken!!

2006-05-05T19:56:00.000-07:00

people are constantly asking me to forget her and move on.. well' to be honest, i have , though partly. now I can locate a thousand(no no, not that much), hundred--no i think 10 flaws in her and which are really annoying. But at times I just can't help but fall helplessly at her charm..
weeks ago, I went to college and keep my belongings at the pg lab upstairs. from there I came to the entrance of ur dept to fill my bottle with cool drinking water. and I was walking towards the aquaguard through the around 100 mitres long corridor....
and, she appeared at the othere side of the corridor. she was getting in the depertment. I knew we'll cross each other and she will enter the lecture theatre by the corridor. but to make the walk a bit longer , i started to took small and slow steps.

I was walking towards her, she 'apperntly' towards me.... and unknowingly I wished the path to become to windmills, so that we can walk ceaselessly facing each other. I wished for the walk to be never ending....
we came close to each other, she enter the deptertment and I went to fill my bottle...

later that day, me. she and a common friend(her best friend, I suppose) went to do some photocopy. we felt like having coconut water. so we three went to have it, when we were leaving the shop...a song was playing in the radio..

" ho baas agar tum humare sanam
hum to sitaroon me rakh de kadam
sara jahan bhul jaye
baas nagme tere pyaar ke gatee hi jaye"
(darling,if only u be mine,
i'll be on the cloud nine
the world will stop exsisting
i'll keep singing a ballad in ur love)

naturally. my mood had a uplift. we went and had the coconut waters. she suddenly said, to her friend that she is paying..I was even more delighted. she finished and went back to the shop. we finished and were going to get away, the vendor said,"she has paid only for 2"
I paid for mine.
not only for my coconut, but for my mistake, too.

Incorigible me!!!

2006-04-24T18:27:00.000-07:00

yesterday we had our cytology,molecular biology and plant tissue culture mock practical test.. we all spend all the time finishing our lab copies and could not prepare for viva. so everyone was highly tensed when we got to know that 3 of our teachers will take the viva together.. naturaly everyone started collecting infos from classmates...sharing in its pure form was going on...

there was a calculation which only she knows how to do.. we all copied it form her lab notebook. but we could be asked about it in our viva. so I called her over and asked her about it. she started explaining...
and...
...
....
it never happened before..her face was only inches away from mine..i was looking at her..tried to understand what she was saying but all I could see was the movement of her tender lips...and I had an urge to kiss her...but I controlled....

I was so sure that it's over....but

by the way, viva was sort of okay.and ao one asked us that particular question!!!!

working in my dream

2006-04-22T18:59:00.000-07:00

tomorrow is the lab exam of cytology molecular biology and plant tissue culture. fought with lab copies and tried to write them completely....as a result went to bed with a backache....
even in the dreams i was estimating DNA and RNA and were thinking which chromosome should pair with which one ........

save me God!!!

Resurrection!!!!

2006-04-19T19:20:00.000-07:00

after 1 whole month I'm again writing...and I'm writing that there would probably be less posts these days...exam is from may 26th...and my preparation??the less I talk about it is the better...
by the way, our relationships have improved a bit...though the chemistry like the initial stage of our friendship is still missing (and I doubt whether it'd ever return!!), we talk these days....I mean 2 to 3 sentences per day, that too related with our curriculum...
2 days we went to the metro station together....
but then.........

it doesn't matter anymore...My crush is over..now I can locate loads of flaws in her...and I think she can find 10000s in me.. but whatever, she'd forever hold a special place in my heart...

that's all...
(and I have to complete my lab copies by next monday....tuesday is the deadline of submitting them!)

sterile mind

2006-03-19T07:27:00.000-08:00

it seems that i'm undergoing through a sterile brain period.. can't think about any decent topic to write a post on....

Alienated in My Own Land

2006-03-09T08:51:00.000-08:00

Botany Dept, Presidency College, my 2nd home. but now I feel totally like an alien here.. It's really hard to be friend with my classmates as all of them are non-presidencian. tho there are 2 who are just like the presidencians. well, i'm not a snob. neither i'm saying that my classmates are bad. they are pretty good on their own.but, the majic is not here anymore. I mean ....well, see;that they they were calling each other by the names of characters from"kyunki saas kabhi bahu thi" . and today when i use my habds to get lunch frm somone's box, two of them behave as if I'm contaminating the lunch. no wonder, my appeite was gone.

and after spending 2 days with my old friends, it's unbearable!!!thank God!!I've 2 of my presidencian seniors, who are doing their research in our dept. and the fun is that, i can act without any inhibitation when i'm with them, though they are my 5 year's senior. but I cant behave like this when i'm with my classmates.............

pray for me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Surrounded By Books

2006-02-23T04:15:00.000-08:00

the day before yesterday I got a rare chance to enter the science library of our college. I mean we can enter the library anytime, but at that time, I went to the big room filled with books!!!!!!!!and man!!!!!!what a wonderful place it was! i went there with one of my senior to locate a book she needed, but even after looking for 10 to 15 minutes we couldn't find the book. but i found something more. the stacks of books, some from 1900s some even older..silence broken by only our voice and the sound of the fans.......it was not less than a adventure. and i tried to see some books by dusting the filth of the decades......
but finally we came out. and the in charge was able to get the book once we got the call no of it from another copy which was with our proff.

anyway, it was an adventure to remember......and as a memento, I've got flu!!!!!!!!

UPDATE: yesterday i was sneezing like hell in the class and by the time our lab has started, my left eye was blood red. sir asked me to take a tab as soon as i see a medicine shop. and the next moment I saw a hand giving me two tabs, it was her. i took one and returned the other tab. and it did help a lot. should i thank her and replace her tab?????what do u say?????

Grasshoppers

2006-02-16T06:58:00.000-08:00

Finally I joined the grasshopper's club. had it for the first time at my friend's place just a few days ago. and I liked it. though I took only a few puffs, it gave me a good kick. i simply loved the tip-tip sensation in my head. and I think it's better than fagging. so....I'm a grasshopper

It's Over

2006-02-11T00:54:00.000-08:00

Finally the crush's over. and we are still not talking. actually we are talking, but it's one sentence a week.the friendship has died. but i'm not sad. i know we were good friends. and it died of a silly reason. but if the friendship died of such a silly reason, it has a weak base. so it's better not to restart once again.

so, the chamber of my heart is empty once again. and I don't find any applicant as long as my eyes can see.[sigh!!]
again single in this valentine's day!!!!!!!but i'm not sad.

'it feels great to be in love, but it's greater to be out of love. you are a free bird again":- dwaipayan de great!!!

book fair

2006-01-28T07:09:00.000-08:00

i'm having a cold war with her.it started for a silly reason,but the reason doesn't matter.anyway, today she gave all of us her birthday treat with another friend. i decided not to go there but finally went,after getting 2 calls(one of which was frm her)

we all went to book fair after the treat. i was roaming around alone. at the evening, i met a common friend(a very good one).she said,"have u seen him?"
i said,"whom?"
she:"her boyfriend, they are there"
me: "no i haven't, neither i'm interested in seehing her boyfriend" .
but before 2 minutes elapsed, i started roaming around aimlessly. my subconcious mind was telling me the reason but i was denying it.

subconcious:"so u are looking for her boyfriend?didn't u just say that u dnt wanna see him?"

concious:"no, not at all!i'm just walking."

subconcious:"oh yeah??????"

concious:"ok !!i admit. i just want to see the person who defeat me just by walking into her life a bit earlier!!but i'm not interested in her anymore.it's over"

subconcious:"hmm..we'll see"

so i looked for them, but all in vain.finally realizing what an utterly worthless person i'm, i joined the cue for the bookstall selling erotica.

I'm utterly worthless!!!:(

1st and 2nd week of 2006

2006-01-15T04:42:00.000-08:00

what to write about the 1st week?it was totally overwhelmed by the college elections.it'd be a nice experience to share, but i'm giving it a miss. and 2nd week was not special from any side. anyway, i think i would better write about an incident in a funny manner than just putting it as it comes. but i've to work on to write the 1st one yet. so wait....

the starting

2005-12-28T09:29:00.000-08:00

she has got back to her boyfriend. I know I have no chance. but still, just after opening my eyes in the morning;I think of her.

getting started

2005-12-26T06:08:00.000-08:00

I'm starting this blog as a platform to write. I want to write... and i'm starting that by writing a post per week. this post will be about my life as it comes...

i'm a novice. but yet i'll try. and i do expect that the blogosphere will guide me through this journey by providing their valuable advises and suggestions.

I'm inviting everyone to be a part of the feedback community.I'll start writing from the 1st day of the coming year....

hope i'll get u all beside me in this journey.